Feb 29, 2020
Cindy (00:00):
Welcome to Exploring the Seasons of Life a podcast for women that explores life's beginnings, endings and messy bits in-between. I'm your host, Cindy MacMillan and today we're talking about wholeness and anxiety with Jennifer Kremer. Jennifer is a wife, mom to four (twin boys – Ellis and Jack, Stella and Carter), NASA Engineer and a life and mommy coach focusing on empowering you to be your most alive self. Jennifer is the CEO of AliveCoachingLLC.com. Jennifer, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for being here today.
Jennifer (00:32):
Thanks for having me. I'm super excited. It's my first podcast ever.
Cindy (00:36):
Well thank you. You wrote something on Facebook and it really stuck with me and I just want to read it and I want to get your thoughts on this. You wrote this on January 16th - "Over the past few months I’ve been working on holding myself more dearly and giving myself grace. Us over achievers tend to take on the world. We strive to accomplish and finish. As I work in raising my awareness about myself I’ve encountered so many other people who share the same journey. Men and women. Moms and non-moms. We are all human. We are all normal. We are all doing our best. And if you need to hear this today, you are enough. Exactly as is. You are exactly where you are supposed to be. You are loved. If you are having worries, anxiety and fears, share it with someone you hold dear. Release and evolve to open the your world to more positive energy and enable yourself to release. And if you’re like me, a good yell or crying session is always amazing at releasing and moving toward greatness." When I read that, it really, it really struck home for me, especially about being where you are and that we're all on the same journey. Is there something that was going on when you wrote that or is that just like a message to other people?
Jennifer (01:57):
No, I mean honestly the things that I post and the things that I write are usually inspired because of either something I'm going through or something somebody close to me or a client or something. And at that point, actually, so I'm being coached as well. So I'm a coach and I feel like the number one thing that people should have in their life is a coach themselves. I had a coach and we had a session together. We've been working together now for about a year and we had a session and I was just like, it was, it was a lot, a lot of it is around, at that time was around me feeling like, you know, I want all these things. And I think there's so many people that feel the same thing. They want to do their job, they want to have their kids, they want to be the best mom, the best dad, the best, you know, person at work.
Jennifer (02:41):
They want to have, start their own business. They want to have investments. There's all these things that a lot of highly ambitious people want to do. At times I started feeling like, and I was telling my coach, here's all the things I did and then I started going into, but I didn't do this, this and this. And, and she said, why? Why are you enough? You just told me 15 things that were amazing that you did, but because your kids got sick and you weren't able to do another 15 or whatever that number was it, then you're a failure now. And I started, I got so upset and I started crying and I was just like, she's like, where in your life are you? Why do you feel like you're not enough? Where does that show up for you?
Jennifer (03:19):
Where did that, where's that coming from? And we really started to explore that. And at that post I was just like, you know, enough is enough. Like I, everything I'm doing is good enough. And every one of my clients have some, or people in our life have some amount of, they don't feel good enough, I think as Americans and you know, we have all these opportunities but, but sometimes all those opportunities get overwhelming if you're trying to accomplish so much. And you know, just being happy that yeah, I had to take a week off work and I didn't do a whole lot, but I took care of my kids and they are healthy now is okay. Or the weeks that I do do a lot of celebrate that and be happy with that. And there's so many people I feel like that just get bummed out and burdened that they had a hundred things on their to do list. So they didn't do all a hundred but they did 99 and why is that? Why are you not good enough? Just the way you are.
Cindy (04:11):
And that's one of the reasons that it hit me is because I think about overachievers and I consider myself one of those as well that you know, we can go through that exactly what you're talking about. We do so much and we don't hit that hundred things so to speak and we do feel like we're not enough. So we're just going through this almost like the cycle of go, go, go burnout, exhaustion, go, go, go. Burnout. Exhaustion.
Jennifer (04:37):
Yeah. And then, and for me, and I think for so many people, it's not, it's not your present that tells you that you're not good enough. It's not your present that tells you, Oh well you're just not good enough. Because you didn't do all these things. It's usually something in your past. It's usually the way you grew up or something that happened in your life at some point that is telling you if you don't do all these things. Like for me it's, it's, I grew up in a very strict household and I grew up, that A's were the only thing acceptable that I had to be in every club and everything because my mom wanted the best for me. And while that seems good, that gave me some, some fears of if I'm not getting praise or I'm not doing well enough that I'm not good enough.
Jennifer (05:19):
And I know that that was not her intent at all. But you know, having achieved so much, I just feel like there's more, there's more, there's more. And it's usually something in your past that's, that's kind of holding you back and you really need to let go of or explore it or, or just be okay to scream about it or yell about it and get those, that energy out. Because so much of it is just the energy that we carry around. And as soon as you just, it's like a instant pot. As soon as you let the little valve release just a little, little bit, it opens you up to then do more.
Cindy (05:52):
I love that analogy. One of the questions that I'm going to ask everybody on this podcast is What does "Exploring the Seasons of Life" mean to you and what season of life are you in right now?
Jennifer (05:58):
So I was thinking about that question because I thought since this is called Seasons of Life, you're going to ask me that when I was like, what season am I in? I don't know. And I was talking to some men actually yesterday about this. I met with some guys that do social media and I was talking to them about this and, and in my mind I was like, Oh, they're not going to understand what I'm saying. But they really did. And this season of my life that I'm in is that I'm not just a mom and I'm not sure if that makes sense to anybody.
Cindy (06:32):
It makes perfect sense.
Jennifer (06:33):
But we were talking and I was saying how I read, you know, Facebook knows your mom because if you post anything about your kids or whatever, suddenly like knows you and who you are and it starts giving you all these articles.
Jennifer (06:45):
And there was this article that I read about a mom who was kind of saying like, she's doing it all and you know, moms tend to think, Oh, I know every single thing that has to get done and I'm responsible for doing it. I told them that I was just like, I'm not accepting that. I think that's bullshit. Like the fact that we take it all on and then get pigeonholed into I'm just a mom and then feel comfortable enough to put out all these articles saying how I do it all and I have to do it all and I don't, the season of my life that I'm in is that I'm whole being myself. And so doing the things that fill me up energy-wise, whether it be my business that I'm passionate about, or working out or spending time with my husband or doing my job or being with teams are the things that give me energy is the season of my life that I'm in is that I'm just whole being me and I'm better to everyone else for that.
Jennifer (07:39):
And so I think so many times moms are like, Oh, I'm in. I like my first thought obviously it was like, Oh, I'm in the season in my life that I have little kids and you know, trying to just balance it all. And I don't think that's true at all. I don't think there's such thing as balance. If you're trying to balance stuff, you're failing at something and then you get bummed about failing about it and it sucks and you feel crappy if you're not like just going out and doing the things that make you feel whole as an individual, as a person, you're no good to anyone else. So trying to be everybody's end all be all is just gonna make you drained and yeah, you can do it for awhile and I think a lot of moms do and, and then you wake up 5 or 10 years, you're like, what am I doing?
Jennifer (08:19):
Who am I? Who am I in my marriage? Who's my husband; you know, what do I want for my life? And I don't, the season in my life is, I don't want to lose myself. I want to be whole for where I'm at.
Cindy (08:30):
Thank you. I have gotten, every person I've asked has got a different view and a different way of looking at that. So that's why I'm asking that question is to really put that out there for people to think about. You know, a season may not be, like you said, just a mom, an employee, or having your own business. It's being who you are.
Jennifer (08:51):
And I think sometimes people don't know who that is and sometimes that takes some work to figure out what does that even mean? The number one thing I hear from so many clients and so many people is I don't know what I'm passionate about.
Jennifer (09:03):
Then you need to spend some time figuring that out because, and it might, it's not going to take a day. I think everybody's looking for a quick like, what job am I going to have? What career am I going to have? Oh, I love doing this. And they think it's just a quick thing and it took me about a year to really get to this point of with coaching of, you know what? Who am I? What? What is good enough? What, who do I want to be? Who do I want to show up as in being good with that and knowing what, what does make me whole? And it's not something that you just figure out overnight. I think everybody's looking for that quick answer and it's work.
Cindy (09:33):
Jennifer how did you, um, get your clients to start thinking about that? I mean, do you have certain questions that you ask them? Do you have, are there certain exercises? Because I agree with you, I mean everyone seems to be looking at what is their purpose, what are they put here to do? What are they passionate about? And as I'm saying that, I'm also thinking that can be different things at different seasons in your life.
Jennifer (09:59):
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I mean coaching is definitely an experience and it's a journey. And I think even when I started coaching or started having a coach, I've had three coaches so far in my life. And every time I expect one thing and where it takes us is a total nother thing. And because it's just a powerful conversation about and asking questions and really digging deep and also opening up that side of your brain that's more creative, right? Like I could ask you what's season of your life you're in. Any might be more objective and think more logically. But until I ask you some questions like, you know, why do you, you know, Jen and why do you feel like you're not good enough? Where is that coming from? Until you really explore that side of your brain that makes you go, huh. And I think a lot of my clients, when we, when we talk, they're like, man, that's a good question.
Jennifer (10:41):
I've never thought about that. I've never like where does that come from? I had a good childhood. Why? And then, and then I, after a while or whatever the thing is, or they're just trying to achieve a goal and something's holding them back or whatever. But I think until you open that side of your brain that makes you go, huh, what? What is, what? Where is that coming? Or why can't I seem to finish this book? Why can't I seem to get a new job? Why can't I seem to make my marriage work? Why can't I make my relationships work with family members? Like there's, there's so much that needs to be talked about in them in the more you share, the less pain you feel. And it doesn't have to be like a recent pain or an actual pain. The more you share, the more you're able to get that out and move on and think through it.
Jennifer (11:23):
I had this coach and we had this coaching session one time and it was only for 10 minutes and the girl was asking me questions and I was just like talking and babbling and babbling and babbling. But I was in this zone of thinking and she just let me talk and talk and talk. And then I solved my own problem and I've had this problem for a year and she was just asking me a couple of powerful questions. And then I was just like, you know, and I think it's this, but you know what, no, I don't. I think it's this or this, this and then this. And then I was like, Oh my gosh, this is exactly what I need to do. And it opened that side of your brain that you to really tap into that inner energy and that inner, you know, creativity and, and emotional side of, of where stuff's coming from.
Cindy (12:01):
I mean, whenever you talk to a coach, and I also have my own coaches, I do the same thing. I'm talking and I'm going on and on with myself and then it comes to me, Oh, I know the answer. I just figured it out.
Jennifer (12:14):
Because everybody already has the power. Like that's, that's the beautiful thing about coaching is that if someone needs a coach, they usually think, you know, I should be able to figure this out. But everybody already has the power within themselves is just unlocking that. And what does that look like and how do you, you know, move on from, from things or how do you open up your mind to really be able to do that thing hand to be held a little bit accountable for, for doing the things that you say you want to do.
Cindy (12:38):
Do you think being held accountable is one of the biggest pieces of coaching, other than the powerful questions just happen that having someone else other than a friend or family member, be able to say, you told me you were going to do X, Y, Z, but not beat you up over it necessarily.
Jennifer (12:58):
Yeah, I mean, accountability is definitely a part, but I always ask people, how would they like to be held accountable? Because maybe it's not me, you know, maybe it's their husband, maybe it's themselves. You know, some people are good about being, you know, holding themselves accountable. Maybe it's just, you know, I'm gonna do this when I accomplish this, and then we check in and they did it right. You know, like it doesn't always have to be me. And honestly, I don't hold people accountable. I'm not doing the work for you. You know, that this isn't a powerful experience to be coached if someone's just going to do it for you. So if the client is like, Oh, well, text me, when are you texting me? Tuesday asked me if I did it. No, you can say if you would like to text me because that is easy for you.
Jennifer (13:37):
A lot of people will be like, Oh, I want to work out. So they'll text me when they finished their workout and I'll, you know, we'll celebrate together and that's cool, but I'm not doing the work for you because if I did the work for you, this wouldn't be an experience that you're really truly going to benefit from.
Cindy (13:48):
That's very true, Jennifer, and I just want to kind of move over into another subject right now and that's anxiety. I know when you and I first talked, we were talking a little bit about anxiety and how that shows up. Can you just talk a little bit about anxiety?
Cindy (14:07):
I think myself and anyone who has anxiety feels like they're an expert on it because if you have it, you feel like you're the only one that knows about it and you're the only one that knows what yours feels like.
Jennifer (14:15):
And I, and that's true, but I've had, I had anxiety, I'm pretty sure my whole life and didn't even know it. I was when I was 24 I had a coach through a leadership program from work and I remember sitting in this room, I remember exactly where I was and she said to me after we, after we'd already had some sessions, she said, do you know you have anxiety? And I was like, I don't, I don't even know what that is. I didn't grow up in an environment that anyone ever talked, like use that word. And I guess maybe it was my age. They didn't we, it wasn't just a word that I grew up hearing. Nowadays we grow up hearing that word and I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, you hold your breath. And I was like, I do hold my, when I get nervous and I'm anxious, I hold my breath and I don't breathe.
Jennifer (14:58):
And breathing is so important to releasing energy and emotion from your body. And I was just like, she blew my mind. I couldn't undo the fact that she said I had anxiety. And then I started putting a word to the feeling that I had felt for 20 years and didn't know. And that started me breaking down to the point where I went to a counselor to a therapist and started working with her. And why do I have this? Because you know, the obvious solution is, okay, well there's medicines out there and if you need that, like absolutely, you know, work with your doctor and your counselor to do that. But I didn't want that to be the answer or I didn't want that to be the end all be all. I didn't want it to be, well some medicine will just fix me because obviously there was some deeper stuff going on.
Jennifer (15:46):
And so after doing that, it definitely gave me tools and things to help me. But I still experience it and I know that. And as soon as I told other friends I have anxiety and I'm thinking like I have this disease that nobody else has, every single friend was like, Oh my gosh, I'm on medicine for anxiety. Or, Oh my gosh, I have anxiety too and it's so bad and it keeps me from functioning and or keeps me from doing these things I want to do. And I was just like, wow, it's amazing how many people experience it and I've learned over time that I, I really just don't want to take medicine. I think some people have to, but it's something that is a constant thing that I think I have to work at. And I recently had a coach, my counselor has said to me, you were wired like that when you were less than five through the experiences that you went through as a child.
Jennifer (16:30):
You were wired that way. And my coach was like, that is total BS. I don't buy it. She's like, there's so much research out there that shows that psychologically we can break those, those, you know, neurons and we can break that pattern in our brain. And she's like, if you don't believe that and you need to start there because you need to change the pattern of the way you feel so that you get a different result. And even as simple as wearing a hair tie on one arm and when I'm feeling anxious, moving it to the other arm breaks that pattern, that thought process instantly. Like something is so simple and I know that people are probably like, Oh my gosh, move your hair tie is not going to help me. I have so much anxiety for all these reasons. But it's one tiny step in getting educated and doing the things to try to create a different result than what you're experiencing.
Cindy (17:17):
And sometimes it is just those very simple steps, like you said, to kind of bring awareness and break those patterns.
Jennifer (17:25):
Yeah, and it doesn't mean you're going to get it. It doesn't mean you're not going to get triggered. It does not mean that you're not going to feel anxious. But my goal is to be anxious less. And so if I, you know, my normal go to is something triggers me. I start feeling anxious, I start spiraling, I start thinking of everything I should have said could have done, they should have said, and now I'm making stories in my own head of exactly how something happened. That's not even real. And then a week goes by and I'm still reeling over this anxious feeling. So my goal is if I can have an experience, it is anxious or scary or whatever, that I'm at least I jump out of it faster, you know, I don't want to be anxious for a week. If I'm anxious for a day or a couple hours, I can, you know, that's just one step in me being better as a whole.
Cindy (18:10):
Are there any other things that you do yourself for anxiety. I know the hair ties, moving, that breathing talked about breathing.
Jennifer (18:20):
So there's a bunch of things that I try because I think that it doesn't hurt to try them all. I do meditation, I listen to Sarah Blondin, her podcasts and just taking 10 minutes. And I've realized that the whole model of getting up early and taking a half an hour to, you know, read or be mindful isn't what serves me because when I get anxious it's usually at work or it's usually like when the kids are screaming or it's usually you know, an issue with someone or whatever. So when I'm feeling that way, I try to find a 10 minute block to just say, I'm going to go in my office and shut the door. I'm going to go, you know, at home at the end of the night and shut the door and listen to that for 10 minutes and break that pattern.
Jennifer (19:01):
Because for me it's about breaking the pattern. It's not about, it's not so much about being mindful at a certain time in the morning just for my overall benefit. It's, it's kind of just breaking that pattern and saying, Nope, stopping. I'm not going to go talk, not going to go talk to somebody and get them on my side. You know, how you like talk to your girlfriends or talk to someone at work and they're totally co-signing everything you're saying. And it just makes you more amped up. It's like no, break that pattern, do something different that puts you in a different headspace to hopefully get out of it just a little bit quicker; is my personal goal to, you know, move out of that energy level cause it's easy to go down and the next thing you know you're a victim and you feel like stuff's being done to you and you're sad and it's easy to stay there if you don't do something different to jump out of it.
Cindy (19:43):
Yeah. And it's easy in that once you're in that place of being a victim and when I say easy, I mean, you know, when you're in that place of being a victim, you almost can't see what's happening. That is this truth. Do you know what I'm saying? It's like everything is kind of, it's spiraled so much that it's no longer that little nugget of what really happened.
Jennifer (20:03):
It's human nature. I mean that's normal to start making up stories and, and, or to their thinking about what you wish you in said and that situation or how you wish it would play out. That's normal. But to feel that way. I think we all do that at some point, but, and it makes all the sense in the world. But I don't want to live there, you know? And, and I don't think, I think being a victim sometimes serves you. Yes, you got upset. It felt crappy. Go ahead. You want to cry about it or feel sad or you'll feel a victim for, but yeah, maybe your soul needs that for a minute, but you don't want to live there. You know, nobody wants to live there forever. Feeling like things are being done to them or you know, I can't end even deeper things, you know, their families or things that happened to them that were super traumatic.
Jennifer (20:43):
I mean, that stuff does cause anxiety and depression and, and until can either, you know, work with someone to heal from it or figure out tools to not live there. You know, energetically if you live in that level one place of I'm a victim or things are being done to me and I know I felt that way sometimes about you know, things in my past that it just is what it is. Then you kind of go back there more often because you think that's just is what it is, was create a new story, create a new story that instead of making up the stories that are horrible that are like, Oh well this is what I should've said. How about making up a story that actually is good? You know, maybe that person was just, you know, having a bad day or maybe my family did the best they could with what they were able to do and it's really freeing when you can create a new story that serves you in a better way.
Cindy (21:32):
Thank you. Yes. If you could turn back time and talk to your 18 year old self, what would you tell her about the season of life you're in now? Or even if it isn't about the season of life you're in now, what advice would you give your 18 year old self?
Jennifer (21:47):
Oh my gosh, that's a crazy question. Wow. Now you're opening up my, my brain to think about that. I think where I'm at now, I would tell her that you're going to do great things. You're going to be great, you're going to be great. You know, mom and wife and just go with the flow and enjoy and you know, being ambitious is great, but to really take the time to learn yourself and learn who you want to be and create that and not let it be, you know, created for you because of, you know, what we think we need to do. You know, when you're 18 you're like, all right, now I need to go to college. Now I need to graduate. Now I need to find love in my life. Cause that happens instantly apparently. And then I need to get married and then I need to have kids.
Jennifer (22:32):
And then, and life just doesn't work out the way you think that there's this, I remember having this little timeline for when I was going to be an astronaut on it, so I had a whole timeline and I don't even want to be an astronaut anymore. You know, it's like I want to be different things now. So it's like, it's okay to, you know, learn and grow and mess up and have horrible experiences because there's going to be really good ones too. And just to really, you know, stop and enjoy that and, and you know, kind of let life take you wherever without fear of, Oh my gosh, I met, I failed this one class in college and now I'm never going to graduate. And you know, it didn't work out with this guy. And so now I'm not gonna, you know, there's this, all these things, it's like, you know, it all happened for a reason and I'll happen to be exactly where I am right now
Cindy (23:16):
At the perfect spot right now. So Jennifer how can people follow you on your journey?
Jennifer (23:24):
I have a website and it's called AliveCoachingLLC.com. But I'm also on Instagram, Alive Coaching, LLC on Facebook. I'm starting on TikTok. Um, this is everybody. Sounds like time, but, um, yeah, follow me. I'm going to start giving tips, on social media and I do lot of videos just with the things that I'm thinking about that I feel like would be helpful, to other people. co-parenting and you know, just everything under the sun and it's usually stuff that's affecting me because I'm human, like everyone else. So I'm hoping that it serves other people and, and giving them a different perspective and a different outlook on, on kind of what they're going through now.
Cindy (24:07):
And are you still doing Facebook lives?
Cindy (24:10):
Uh, so yeah, I'm going to start doing more videos and then doing some live sessions on Facebook and Instagram so that people can ask questions or comment in on, you know, what their thoughts or questions are and around coaching. And I also do, um, complimentary sessions for people as well. So if anyone's interested in that, I offer a complimentary session, um, for you to experience what coaches like and really have that powerful conversation experience to see if that would help you kind of unlock and evolve into your next self and your heart, achieve your goals. Thank you so much, Jennifer, for being here. I really appreciate it. You're welcome. Thank you. This was great. It's my first one. Yay.
Cindy (24:51):
Thank you for listening to this week's episode of Exploring the Seasons of Life. I really enjoyed my conversation with Jennifer and I especially liked it when she said; “I am whole being myself.” .
Cindy (25:02):
To be honest, it’s been a messy week for me, and I have felt out of alignment so when I sat down to edit the podcast, I found some comfort around our talk about wholeness. For me wholeness is loving the parts of ourselves that we would rather not; accepting our perfectly imperfect self; and gratitude for simply being. Please make sure to visit our website, CynthiaMacMillan.com while you're at it, if you found value in this show, I would appreciate you simply telling a friend about the show that will help us out until next time. Live inspired.