Jul 14, 2020
Cindy MacMillan: (00:00)
This is Exploring the Seasons of Life podcast episode 17. I’m Cindy
MacMillan and today’s guest is Lynn Principe Golden.
Welcome to Exploring the Seasons of Life, a podcast for women
with a big heart on a spiritual journey. Each week, join Cindy
MacMillan as she interviews coaches, spiritual explorers and
celebrants from all walks of life about beginnings, endings and the
messy bits in-between. Self-love, well-being, and mindset are at
the heart of our conversations because once you change the inside,
the outside will begin to change as well.
Cindy MacMillan: (00:00)
Welcome back to Exploring the Seasons of Life podcast. Thank you
for listening and get ready...it's time to hear some words of
wisdom from today's guest.
Cindy MacMillan: (00:00)
Lynn Principe Golden is an End of Life Doula, Hospice volunteer and
Life-Cycle Celebrant. She is the owner of Dearly Beloved Life LLC
and is passionate about rites of passage, and believes that like
birth, death should be held as a sacred event. She is certified
through the Conscious Dying Institute where she is currently
working towards being a Conscious Dying Educator. She lives in
Dunedin, Florida with her 2 teenagers.
Lynn Principe Golden: (01:23)
Thank you so much, Cindy. I'm very excited to be here.
Cindy MacMillan: (01:27)
This is a really interesting subject to me, so yes, I'm excited to
have you here, but I do want to start off with my signature
question and that is what does exploring the seasons of life mean
to you personally or in your business?
Lynn Principe Golden: (01:43)
That's a great question, where I stand now, I'm entering a new
phase in my life and I'm nearing 50. I'm newly divorced, and I have
children that are mostly grown. And what I realized is I'm becoming
more clear about who I am and what matters most to me. And what I
know is that I no longer have an end game. I don't have a place
where I feel like, you know, when I think as young women, when
we're in our twenties, we think, well, by 30, I want to be married
or we have all of these to-do lists and I feel free because I no
longer have those. So I'm in this space where I'm becoming more
present and I'm living a life for myself rather than the one that I
perceived was meant for me. So that's been very freeing. And as far
as being an end of life doula exploring the seasons of life is
really vital to our work.
Lynn Principe Golden: (02:31)
And I feel strongly that our dying is a rite of passage. Like you
said, like birth, and it's a sacred event. It's a time to ask
yourself different questions like what's given my life meaning or
who do I need to forgive in order to feel more at peace? How do I
want to be remembered? And these are conversations that are
important to have simply because we're not guaranteed to live a
long life into old age. So it's a great question. And believe me, I
am a lot of fun to have at dinner parties because I love to get
deep into these, these questions that you're asking.
Cindy MacMillan: (03:04)
That was a beautiful way of explaining the seasons. So thank you.
And I really do want to hear about your journey of becoming an end
of life doula. But first, can you just tell us what is an end of
life doula?
Lynn Principe Golden: (03:18)
I would love to, it's not a simple answer because it does encompass
a few things. So an end of life doula provides non-medical support
and comfort to a dying person and their families; so much like a
birth doula provides at the time leading up to birth and during the
birth process. We advocate for the needs and wishes of our dying
patients. An end of life doula provides education and guidance as
well as spiritual, emotional and practical care from as early as
initial terminal diagnosis through bereavement. So within the
diagnosis through bereavement, there are many steps that we'll walk
alongside you with. And the three main aspects of the doulas role
are before death planning, bedside vigil and after death care. And
the planning phase I'll work with my clients to identify their
vision for what they want their last months, weeks, and days to be
like we take into account their current reality.
Lynn Principe Golden: (04:15)
And then together we create action steps. So that practical,
emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental directives are in place.
So it's not just the advanced directives that we're used to, you
know, going to the lawyer and who gets what; it goes a lot deeper
than that. And the second aspect of my work, and to me, the most
sacred part is sitting bedside during active and imminent death.
This can be done alongside family members and friends, or to give
them a rest. And these visits can include prayerful companionship,
touch, the easing of breath, relaxation, forgiveness. And lastly,
an end of life doula can help with after-death body care and
rituals according to their care plan and their values, many wish to
die at home. And all over the country, people are starting to
change that conversation and become more interested in green
burials, home funerals, and a lot of alternatives out there, and we
can help provide information and support so that those things are
possible.
Cindy MacMillan: (05:14)
Thank you, Lynn, when you were talking about talking with your
clients about the last few months of their life, you're not
necessarily talking about what their ideas for a funeral per se,
but it's really about what those last few months are going to look
like in terms of that holistic look. Right?
Lynn Principe Golden: (05:34)
Exactly. And that can include the funeral planning and that's
something that I'm also a Life-Cycle Celebrant, so I can have those
conversations, but that may, under the realm of the spiritual, that
may be something that they want to make sure it's included. Maybe
there are certain prayers or songs that are really meaningful to
them. And those are the times we'd have those conversations. And
that way the people that need to know the information we'll have
that before the time comes.
Cindy MacMillan: (06:01)
Yeah, I was going to ask you a little bit later, but maybe right
now is a good time. I had read, a survey, that said that 92% of
Americans say it's important to discuss their wishes for end of
life care. And only 32% have had that conversation. So how do you
start that conversation? And I'm assuming you start that
conversation, not necessarily with the client, but their family, or
would it be with a client?
Lynn Principe Golden: (06:30)
Well that's actually a really hard question. I want to back up a
little bit. I think that we live in a death-denying culture and I
hear people say things like if I die one day, rather than when I
die. and part of the issue is, Stephen Jenkinson wrote a book
called Die Wise, which I love, he talks about death as being
treated as a failure of medicine rather than of a sacred rite of
passage. And so we've turned over, what's been innate in all of us
and knowing how to care for our dying and respecting the cycle of
life. We've turned it over to science. And so the medical model is
greatly built to treat and save and cure, which is wonderful. And
they do amazing things. But sometimes at the expense of providing
curative treatments that can greatly decrease a patient's quality
of life and the time that they have left.
Lynn Principe Golden: (07:19)
And so back to your question, it should be happening more often in
the medical training that doctors and nurses receive. That's first
of all, another piece of this is examining our language around
illness. You know, often we refer to people who have a terminal
illness and are being treated, especially with cancer patients, we
use the words fighting. So these patients are fighting cancer as if
only the brave and the best fighters can win. So we set them up to
either succeed or fail. I mean, you know, that cancer does not
fight fair. And so we put judgment on someone who's dying and
expecting them to fight harder or not give up. When we set them up,
we feel, they feel they've disappointed us somehow, if they lose
the battle, quote, unquote, Stephen Jenkinson also talks about the
idea that at the end of life, people are willing to do a lot of
treatment that may be harmful because they want "More Time".
Lynn Principe Golden: (08:13)
And he uses the words that are "More Time is now". And I think
about that a lot, you know, he asks the question, what are you
going to do with your More Time? And so back to what you asked me,
I think that those conversations can start really simply you can be
asking, you know, where would you like to be buried? Or who do you
want there at your bedside? Or where, where do you see yourself
dying are simple questions that can start the conversation. And
another thing that I think is really important, especially if we
have elders that are still in our lives is to ask them a lot of
questions, have them tell and retell their stories, ask them what
do they regret? And what's given their life meaning so that we do
have those deeper conversations and the doors opened. So they feel
like the conversations are possible.
Cindy MacMillan: (09:02)
Thank you for going through that I really and truly feel those
conversations are needed. Maybe even before we get to the end of
our lives.
Lynn Principe Golden: (09:13)
I think we should talk about them with our children. Yes.
Cindy MacMillan: (09:18)
Can you share your story on how you became an end of life
doula?
Lynn Principe Golden: (09:23)
I'd be glad to, it's a winding road, as most of our stories are. So
I come from a large close-knit family and I grew up in the Maryland
DC area. And to us family was everything. Our gatherings were large
and multi-generational often including great aunts and uncles,
cousins, all of our grandparents. So it wasn't until, so it wasn't
unusual, I should say that when I moved to Florida 16 years ago, I
had a great aunt and uncle that lived here. I moved here with my
then-husband and my two young children. My Aunt Mary and Uncle
Frank never had children so I started visiting with them. They
lived in a condo in St. Pete; it was a tidy and perfectly preserved
1960s condo. Mary, she was a sweet Italian woman, she doted on my
children, filled them with sweets.
Lynn Principe Golden: (10:16)
And then there was her husband, Uncle Frank, and he barely
concealed his irritation with my rambunctious children. And they
had been married for many years and I can say that Mary was truly a
Saint. Mary's health began to fade she was admitted to a hospital,
then rehab center. I started visiting more often with the purpose
of reporting back to my family up North, about how she was doing.
And we became really close in those last weeks. It was really the
first time I'd been close to the dying process and she let me in
and she let me accompany her on that path. She shared with me the
mysteries that she was experiencing, the relief of never having to
cook for Frank again, the pain that she was experiencing. And it
was a really beautiful and profound experience to be there with
her.
Lynn Principe Golden: (11:09)
I was inspired to become a hospice volunteer and a Reiki
practitioner. And after Aunt Mary died, I inherited Uncle Frank.
So, sharing all of the stories and challenges of being the
caretaker to my Uncle Frank would be a whole nother podcast.
Cindy MacMillan: (11:24)
Okay. We'll have you back for that.
Lynn Principe Golden: (11:27)
Some good stories for sure. I will give you my short version. I
cared for him for the next seven years until his death at the age
of 94. And he was an intense and complicated man. He was
sharp-minded, sharp-tongued, and he demanded that he make his own
decisions. At one point, I had convinced him to move into assisted
living because he had fallen a few times. He hated every minute of
it and he said to me the words, I'll never forget, Lynn, I'm being
treated like a potted plant.
Cindy MacMillan: (12:02)
Hmm.
Lynn Principe Golden: (12:04)
So caring for him, it asked a lot of me, but he taught me what
dying with dignity meant. He loved me deeply, which I know then,
and I know now, and I credit him for showing me what I'm capable of
doing. That I'm capable of doing hard things. And he often said to
me, Lynn, you've got grit kid. And ultimately this work found me. I
believe I had the opportunity to plan a few funerals for family
members and was deeply interested in the power of words and
rituals. And a few years after Frank's death, I came across the
work of Alua Arthur. She's an end of life doula. And I remember
thinking, is this really a thing? It was like I made it up. It was
so perfect. And I found the Conscious Dying Institute out of
Boulder, Colorado. And I became a Certified End of Life Doula. I
founded Dearly Beloved Life and became a Life-Cycle Celebrant.
Cindy MacMillan: (12:58)
Your words of what you said, he said to you I'm being treated like
a potted plant. That's that went right to my, to my heart.
Yeah.
Lynn Principe Golden: (13:08)
Yes. I mean, if you've ever been into nursing homes and assisted
living facilities, you understand what I mean?
Cindy MacMillan: (13:15)
You mentioned being a hospice volunteer. What is the difference
between an end of life doula and a hospice volunteer? And I know
that you can really just speak to this from your experience, but
could you talk about that?
Lynn Principe Golden: (13:27)
I love that. Yes, absolutely. So, I'm a hospice volunteer. I
started about 13 years ago. I'm what you call a transitions
volunteer and transitions are volunteers that come in at the very
end of life as they're transitioning into, into the dying process.
And sometimes they have only days or hours left to live and
oftentimes they are alone or their family's not in town. So when I
come into the space as a hospice volunteer, I don't know anything
about them. I may know just their name, their diagnosis, and their
age. I sit with them for two hours at a time. And I try to make
those two hours as calming and meaningful as I can. I'll often read
to them or play music. And again, I don't know anything about them.
Sometimes I can get some clues as to what I see hanging in their
rooms.
Lynn Principe Golden: (14:20)
Maybe if there's a crucifix, I'll pray or I'll play certain music
that I think they may like. And I feel like we provide a very
needed service as hospice volunteers. And I've learned so much
during those visits, but what I feel like I can, what I can offer
as an end of life doula, it goes a bit deeper. I want to give you
an example of a doula patient I had recently, he was a 44-year-old
man. He was dying of a brain tumor. His wife contacted me and she
had never heard of what an end of life doula was but what she felt
was missing from his hospice care was the emotional and spiritual
support that they both needed during his dying process. So the
first visit, when I went to see him, I talked to her for a long
time about who he was and what mattered to him.
Lynn Principe Golden: (15:06)
We played music that he loved. I read to him his favorite stories.
We saged the room. We lit candles. And I got to know who he was and
what mattered to them. And then when I was there, when he passed
his two young children were home, they were five and eight years
old. And together we did some rituals that I think were very
comforting and that's not even a good enough word, but I'll say
comforting. We were able to anoint his body together with the
children. They surrounded him with flowers and there was an ease
that they had. They were able to come in and out of the room and
love on him. And I became really close with the family. And in
fact, I provided his funeral services the week later. And what I
want to speak to about the difference to me, it's one word it's
intimacy.
Lynn Principe Golden: (15:55)
I was able to connect on a deeper level in the way that his wife
especially what she really needed and what she felt was missing.
And I do want to say he got great care from hospice; they were
there and they made sure he had everything he needed. But what he
needed, what they all needed from me was something different. And
that was the bridge that I feel like a doula can provide. And as of
right now, at least here, hospices are not hiring end of life
doulas. And I really hope that that will change. And I want to be a
part of that change because I can see having doulas on every
hospice team, how we can provide a bridge from the physical, to the
spiritual and emotional and more of the comfort care that I feel
like is missing.
Cindy MacMillan: (16:37)
Since you do both. I can see as you're talking and you're talking
about that intimacy, how that would be a great addition to that
hospice team. I read this quote and I want to read it to you. And
it's from psychotherapist and author Francis Weller and he wrote;
“Bringing grief and death out of the shadow is our spiritual
responsibility, our sacred duty.” That almost sounds like what a
doula does.
Lynn Principe Golden: (17:09)
Absolutely. I love his work, especially his work and his writings
around grief. They're so inspiring to me and beautiful. And he
talks about the different kinds of grief; we are grieving things
that we, I don't think we ever named as grief, but he describes it
perfectly and he is so profound.
Cindy MacMillan: (17:27)
Yeah, and I had not read any of his work. And when I was
researching for this podcast episode, I found that quote and I felt
like it was just perfect for me to read right now.
Lynn Principe Golden: (17:39)
Right. And what I tell people is that grief is a winding road and
there's no one way that grief is supposed to look; it's different
for all of us and some days are than others. I don't think that
grief ends. I do think that we're forever changed by it because we
do love deeply. And that's our birthright. If you love someone and
care about them deeply, why would you want to forget them? So I
think that it's just a matter of incorporating that into our lives
and allowing the wisdom that that person had to continue to inform
us even long after they're gone. And Francis Weller has some great
talks and you can find him on YouTube. And he has one, I think it's
called the Five Gates of Grief (2013). I don't know if I have that
right, but it's definitely worth listening to.
Cindy MacMillan: (18:22)
I will go out and look for that and put it in the show notes. So
what is the most rewarding part of your job other than
everything?
Lynn Principe Golden: (18:30)
That's a great question because these are hard conversations to
have. And like I said, you know, the dinner party people say, well,
what do you do? And I think, hmm, like how much do I really want to
say right now? Because you know, I get the blank stare. They, you
know, the blinking eyes, but one of the things that most people say
is, wow, that must be really depressing and that couldn't be
further from the truth. I mean, there are moments of sadness, of
course, and I do allow myself to feel those. To be selfish for a
moment I feel that having death as my teacher has taught me so much
about life. I've recently experienced my own heartbreak and a huge
life change. And being with death reminds me of what really
matters. It's given me so many gifts. I feel that I've witnessed so
much magic being with those walking between the worlds I get to see
through their eyes.
Lynn Principe Golden: (19:19)
And the first time was with Aunt Mary and when the last thing she
said to me was Lynn everything's going to work out for you. And
that was such a beautiful gift. And I laugh about it now, because I
think I should have asked her to be more specific, but I've
witnessed the healing of relationships and such deep love and
forgiveness. And of course, there is suffering too, as I said, but
that's taught me to be humble. And sometimes all I can offer is a
hand to hold and a blessing on their journey. So those are the
gifts that I receive from being a doula.
Cindy MacMillan: (19:53)
You talked about rituals a little earlier, and I just want to talk
about that a little bit deeper. What is the role of rituals at the
end of life? And can you give us an example maybe of one of your
favorite rituals?
Lynn Principe Golden: (20:07)
I love to, I love to talk about this. My favorite ritual that I do
and I do this one very often is the anointing ritual. The anointing
ritual that I use was developed by my friend and mentor End of Life
Doula, Trish Rux. I will do this anointing sometimes before death
and sometimes after, depending, and depending on what the patient
or the family wants. And I found that when I include the family
members in the ritual, that it gives a sense of healing and calm to
everyone that's present. I want to give a couple of examples; I had
a doula patient last year who had two daughters by two different
women and these women, they were grown, but they'd always lived
their lives in competition with one another. And there was a lot of
resentment and his dying wish was to have them both there by his
side.
Lynn Principe Golden: (20:58)
And you can imagine that there was a lot of tension. And especially
when the emotions are so high, the death of their father, who they
both adored. When I did the anointing ritual, I gave them each a
handful of essential oils and they stood on each side of his bed.
And as I read through the ritual, they together anointed their
father's body and the room was silent. And there was such a
peaceful presence at that time. And when I left that day, after I
said, my goodbyes, the two of the sisters were in the kitchen,
sobbing in each other's arms. And I felt that the healing that was
provided through that ritual was more than I could have ever
expected. And I know that he felt that too. I've also used this
ritual, as I mentioned with the gentleman who was 44, who died
recently, his five and eight-year-old children anointed his
body.
Lynn Principe Golden: (21:49)
And they loved being able to be part of that. It's a way of
honoring the body and thanking it for carrying us through and sank
goodbye. And if you don't mind, I would love to read you this
ritual that my friend Trish wrote.
Cindy MacMillan: (22:02)
I would love that.
Lynn Principe Golden: (22:03)
Okay. Perfect. Is this a good time?
Cindy MacMillan: (22:05)
Yes.
Lynn Principe Golden: (22:06)
As your body is outwardly anointed with this oil. So may you be
filled with love, may you be held in a state of grace, affirmed in
all your goodness and may you have eternal peace of mind, body, and
spirit. We start with the forehead: We anoint this body, that his
journey through this life on earth. May you rest in peace. We
anoint these eyes that have seen so much. May you rest in peace. We
anoint this mouth that has spoken truth and love. May you rest in
peace? We anoint these shoulders that have borne many burdens. May
you rest in peace. We anoint this heart that has loved so well. May
you rest in peace? We anoint these hands that have worked so hard.
May you rest in peace? We anoint these feet that have travelled so
far. May you rest in peace?
Cindy MacMillan: (22:53)
I can see where that would be so healing, just to have those words
read with the family, there doing the anointing.
Lynn Principe Golden: (23:02)
Right, and I think that when we talk about the word healing;
healing, doesn't always mean that the person is going to be cured
and live. It's a different type of healing and it's available for
all who are present at the time of death.
Cindy MacMillan: (23:14)
Thank you, for kind of clarifying that because yes, the healing and
I almost want to use the word as you used earlier the intimacy of
that ritual is, is more what I was talking about with that healing.
Just feeling just a sense of peace. That was beautiful.
Lynn Principe Golden: (23:35)
It is profound.
Cindy MacMillan: (23:38)
End of life doulas can provide several services and you've really
gone through a lot of those and Lynn the time has just absolutely
flown by. Can you talk a little bit about your services and how
people can follow you on your journey? And is there anything that I
should have asked you that I didn't?
Lynn Principe Golden: (24:02)
No, I feel like you gave me the opportunity to talk about what
really drives me and what I'm passionate about. And in terms of the
services I provide, I talked a little bit about the planning, the
bedside vigil and the after death care. I want to go into a little
bit of detail if I can, about the planning phase and the services
that I learned through Conscious Dying Institute. They were created
by our founder, Tarron Estes; we call them the Best Three Months.
It's a planning tool that she developed that goes way beyond
advanced directives and includes the five domains of life that I
mentioned, spiritual, practical, physical, emotional, and mental.
And so with each domain, I'll ask questions that about what feels
unfinished or not yet put in place or communicated. And together,
we create a vision of what we could provide for them, how we could
provide the best outcome and create action steps so that their
vision becomes a reality.
Lynn Principe Golden: (24:57)
And a few quick examples: spiritually you could ask if they're
interested in having a last confession or they want to go deeper
into the study of a spiritual practice, that's always interested
them? Practically ask, do they want to die at home? And what would
you need to do in order to make that possible? Or perhaps you want
your ashes to become part of a coral reef? Who do we need to talk
to, to make that happen? In the mental domain asking what their
legacy is and what projects feel incomplete? Physically, how much
pain are you okay with tolerating in order to stay present with
your loved ones? Are there alternative techniques that interest
you? Emotionally - and this is a big one for most of us is what's
been unsaid? And who do you need to ask forgiveness of? And who do
you want to forgive?
Lynn Principe Golden: (25:46)
And who would you want by your bedside? And who do you want to say
goodbye to? I offer the Best Three Months I can come together with
groups or I'm offering a free online six week, Best Three Months
course. And you don't have to be actively dying in order to create
your vision of your Best Three Months. I've created my own and done
so with some family members and it really is eye-opening, and it
helps us understand what feels unfinished for us, what we can do to
have those conversations so that our family knows exactly what our
wishes are. And if anyone's interested in getting more information
about practicing the Best Three Months with me, or have a group
that they want me to address this with them, they can email me at
lynngoldenlife@gmail.com or they can check out my website
dearlybelovedlife.com for more information. And the most important
part of this I want to say is after you make these decisions and
really get clear about what your vision is, is share the
information.
Lynn Principe Golden: (26:44)
Because it doesn't do any good if no one knows exactly what you
want.
Cindy MacMillan: (26:47)
Absolutely. According to the Kaiser Family Foundation 60% report
that their loved one has a document describing their wishes for
medical care. But what surprised me out of that 60%, only 48% knew
where it was. So that's kind of like a little bit what you're
talking about. Thank you. Thank you, for being here and going over
everything. It just is, sounds so rewarding to me and I really
appreciate you being here. But the last question I have for you is
if you could turn back time and talk to your 18-year-old self, what
would you tell her about the season of life that you're in right
now?
Lynn Principe Golden: (27:30)
That's a great question. And I'm not one that lives with alot of
regret because I can see in hindsight when each the challenge has
taught me, but I think that as an 18-year-old young woman, I would
remind myself to not be afraid to use my voice.
Lynn Principe Golden: (27:48)
And I think that's a big one for me.
Cindy MacMillan: (27:50)
Perfect. That is a perfect place for us to end. Thank you so much
for being here.
(27:55)
Thank you so much, Cindy. I had a blast.
Cindy MacMillan: (27:57)
Thank you for listening to this week’s episode of Exploring the
Seasons of Life podcast. I really enjoyed talking to Lynn Principe
Golden about her journey to becoming an end of life doula and I
would love for you to share this episode with your friends and
family. Visit our website, CynthiaMacMillan.com, and sign up for
our weekly newsletter. Until next time, live inspired!